dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
