I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
