Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
