Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
