you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
