You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
