my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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