Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
