my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
