so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
