i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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