can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
