why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
