this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
