dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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