M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
