i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
