He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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