I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
