everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
