I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
