Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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