He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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