Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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