who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
