Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
