Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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