Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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