my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
