I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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