Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
