i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
