I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
