I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
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