my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
