I wish my penis had an off switch
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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