I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
