No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
