I just saw a hot homeless man
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
