We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
