woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
