I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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