Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
