apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
