Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
