We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
