Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
