So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
