he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
