you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
