that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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