Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
