I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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