Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
