that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
