ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
