Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
