1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
